I am literally in the middle of the night and I was aimlessly staring at my laptop screen. I haven’t written anything for a very long time and I am so guilty about it. Every time I open a word document I start a blog and leave it unfinished and I have piles of drafts. Its maybe because my mind has not been calm enough to write and writing has always been my only outsource of emotions which means I have kept a lot of emotions gathered up unattended and unaddressed in my soul.
This is not healthy.
The past year was a rush. It came and flew like anything. The disappointing part is that there were quite a few moments where I felt like I cannot keep pace with life. There were quite a few ups but some pinching latent downs. This post is going to just me taking out all of it and it can get a bit too long.
There are very few people who understand me well and I stick to that small group of people very tightly. When you have this routine of meeting a person daily at school, being best friends, being soul mates to each other, you wouldn’t really want this routine to change for anything in the world. Yes, it changed. My bestest friend changed her school. No, we didn’t lose touch. We love each other to bits and will continue to do so and we meet very often (she lives across the road). But I lost that safe outlet for me to share all my internal processes.
It was difficult getting used to this change.
I have changed a lot in the past. Part of it is for my good and part of it might not be appreciable. I have closed myself more and more and even though I might begin conversations with people, talk to them, I never really let them reach inside me and know who I actually I am. I have also grown ignorant to the insignificant and lewd gossips and issues.
I just don’t care about most stuff now.
I think the most positive and significant change in me has been my professionalism (heavy word, but yeah). I became the Vice Head Girl this year, which was quite a deal for me. I have always believed that these experiences are must haves and they teach a person a lot. If you have been reading this space for long, you’ll remember me crying for the post I had earlier but I have always maintained that it is merely a learning experience and no kind of politics shall involve in it.
But apparently everybody doesn’t think the same way. So much have I learnt about human behavior and their manipulative skills. For me, my work and my studies are my purest commitments towards life and I have been trying my best to be able to perform at them. At the same time, being a leader is kinda scary as you are being looked upto by a number of people. You don’t really realise the pressure of being out in the front until you are thrown at that place.
I am approaching the last year of my school life and I am so nervous.
I an terrified.
I have no idea what I will be doing in that open world plus the 15 years of me in my school are not easy to leave behind.
This is mostly a note to self that Upasna the coming year is going to be harder, you’ll face bigger challenges and problems but you need to be strong, devoted and careful. You have come a long way and it is quite evident that the ride has not been smooth but this last lap will decide whether you will drive the rest of your life with ease or will continue to struggle.