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Finding Solace.

Why is my mind in this never ending rattle pondering into nothingness? Why do I worry about things that are yet to occur? It’s because the world has had a very subtle but yet dominating way of saying that you need to be somebody. That you need to walk on trails that have already been paved rather than creating your own path and being creative.

Sometimes, I just wish it could just shut down and I am sure everyone feels the same way. But obviously it would oppose the very purpose of having a brain in the first place.

I fail to find peace. Thoughts unsettle me.

At times, I fear losing people I have and most times, I feel alone. Such irony, but we all feel this way at some point. I feel like I have no one to talk to, I feel at loss of a confidante. With everyone enjoying their life, I feel like I am missing out on stuff.

But I get past it. It’s a phase.

The nights are the hardest because all my insecurities flash in front of me while I lay on the bed to sleep. The thoughts recur and they come back stronger. Sleep becomes far away destination and soon the sun rises.

Is there any solution to this ever? Do I have to live with this?

I found my compromise and landed a pretty satisfying deal with my brain. I realized how absolutely unfair it is to myself for comparing someone’s highlights to my ‘behind the scenes’. It made me different altogether. When I look at people doing good, I feel happy for them and get inspired and in no way, beat myself for not being at their place. My life is perfect in its own sense and so is everyone else’s.

Be your best friend as you will always be there for you. I am on my way to this self holistic way of life and there is no final abode to it. It is ongoing and progressive. The solace is in the now. You are fully present when the thinking-mind is off; you are conscious of your breathing or the sensation of inner body energy from top to bottom. It is a full body sensation where you exist and are completely free from time and space.

Not all situations and circumstances in your life pertaining to the present moment are going to make you happy. Regardless of what situation you are in, you cannot undo what is, because it already is. Any resistance to ‘what is’ will cause a much deeper level of pain than is unnecessary.  The best thing that you can do in any situation of displeasure is either change the situation, change your attitude about the situation, leave if possible or accept it as it is. Anything else is resistance and will always cause great deals of pain.

Crossing this very bridge, you will find your solace.

 

 

Mirage Of Destination

We all are walking alone together in the pursuit of our destination. Well, our final destination is the same – abode of all souls after life. But for our personal content, we set small short term goals which define our lives. Everytime we set a new goal, a new journey begins and we move towards it. As we seem to finally reach the end flag, we ourselves change the goals and the end flag or the destination or the symolically represented satisfaction slips out of our hand.When it comes to dealing with greed, one thing that is quite characteristic is that although it arrives by the desire to obtain something, it is not satisfied by obtaining

So, are we supposed to remain in this illusion in a discontent place?

Will this mirage ever turn true and quench the thirst of a soul in a desert?

I have no answer to this. I am no philosophist but I do have an opinion about it. I am not against this mirage at all. How else would life move? This is what keeps us going and gives us the rush that distinguishes us from the dead.

Having dreams, ambitions and wantings gives purpose to our life but not our life.

Our life is worth much more than this. I have seen so many get carried away with their failures or purposelessness in life that they either harmed themselves or harmed someone else which is absolutely moronic. We are making ourselves weak by letting this get onto us. Sometimes, the amount of input efforts that we put in do not completely payoff in the results. That’s FINE. Even the mechanised machines do not translate all the input power into output as 100% efficient machine is still theoretical. And we are humans. Humans, who make mistakes, tend to get distracted and by nature are not perfect.

Then how should we proceed? Do we accept this as a part of life?

I have accepted this as a part of me not life and the only way we can deal with this is by increasing our input efforts to get the desired outcome. But the most important thing, that is above all, is to be happy at every stage of life. After all, health and family are enough for a happy life and they need tobe taken care of the most. I don’t ask you not to be ambitious or not to dream but the hunger and greed should not drive your life. Being content is essential for peace of mind and even though everyone knows its vitality, people neglect it. Probably, they stall their satisfaction to reach to the water which is in actual a mirage.

So when will they ever be happy?

The very moment they want to be.

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That Eternal Friend

So, this post is a bit different from what I usually do. This is a dedication post to a person who is very special and you know its real when it is on my blog.

No, it’s not a boyfriend. No, it’s not my family.

It is a friend.

My Best Friend.

My Soulmate.

Writing about her is very challenging because the fanciest of description of our relationship might still be an understatement to what we really are for each other. I assure you if you have one such person in your life you will relate to everything in this blog post and the time you finish reading this, I tell you, go and talk to that person and tell them that you love them. Because trust me, you are blessed to have them.

I knew my friend since the longest period of time but we never had conversations until a couple years back when she shifted in my vicinity. It took us very little time to click with each other and we knew that it was a very real and honest friendship.

Time passed. Friendship grew.

As I have made it very certain in my past blogs that I am a very close person from within and I won’t really share my constant tornado of thoughts and emotions with anyone until and unless I trust that person. She took no time and gained my trust effortlessly.

We can be like the typical girls who sit together and gossip. We can act like each other’s lovers when we are having a hard time dealing with people. We can act like sisters if we think that either of us needs some advice.

She might not always act in the most socially appropriate way but I love it about her. Whenever I am with her, I feel a special kind of peace inside. She radiates positivity and her coruscating smile can light up any dull soul. She is gorgeous.Nobody I know in this world can handle me the way she does because I can be the stupidest person at times and this is what makes her all the more special. If a person can make your day turn upside down for good, than you immediately should understand that you need t stick by this person as long as possible. And I am lucky that I was smart enough to get the clue.

In the world full of people trying to pretend and be people they not really are, this girl stands out being herself and being ever so genuine. Because she is perfect the way she is. She is a bundle of avidity without any shady, dark side to her. Honestly, I am not the nicest   person to everybody but she somehow manages to talk to everybody with a gleaming smile and spread it onto the other person’s face as well.

The duration of a relationship is never a parameter to the strength of it, the fact that we know each bit about each other, whether embarrassing or surprising, makes our love for each other evident and distinguished.

Yes, she is the same person I talked about in my last post. We don’t meet daily now but the distance never really bothers us. We are a constant figure in each other’s hearts. We try and meet as much as possible, try and make our timings work out, and you know what, this is exactly what you call friendship. If you lost a friend in the name of distance, trust me, it was not real. It is merely a consolation to you that the distance faded the prominence of your friendship.

No, it is just an excuse. It was you who stopped trying.

I hope you are able to infer what a void your friend(s) fill in your lives. Go and thank them and try and meet them as soon as possible.

🙂

 

The Midnight Post

I am literally in the middle of the night and I was aimlessly staring at my laptop screen. I haven’t written anything for a very long time and I am so guilty about it. Every time I open a word document I start a blog and leave it unfinished and I have piles of drafts. Its maybe because my mind has not been calm enough to write and writing has always been my only outsource of emotions which means I have kept a lot of emotions gathered up unattended and unaddressed in my soul.

This is not healthy.

The past year was a rush. It came and flew like anything. The disappointing part is that there were quite a few moments where I felt like I cannot keep pace with life. There were quite a few ups but some pinching latent downs. This post is going to just me taking out all of it and it can get a bit too long.

There are very few people who understand me well and I stick to that small group of people very tightly. When you have this routine of meeting a person daily at school, being best friends, being soul mates to each other, you wouldn’t really want this routine to change for anything in the world. Yes, it changed. My bestest friend changed her school. No, we didn’t lose touch. We love each other to bits and will continue to do so and we meet very often (she lives across the road). But I lost that safe outlet for me to share all my internal processes.

It was difficult getting used to this change.

I have changed a lot in the past. Part of it is for my good and part of it might not be appreciable. I have closed myself more and more and even though I might begin conversations with people, talk to them, I never really let them reach inside me and know who I actually I am. I have also grown ignorant to the insignificant and lewd gossips and issues.

I just don’t care about most stuff now.

I think the most positive and significant change in me has been my professionalism (heavy word, but yeah). I became the Vice Head Girl this year, which was quite a deal for me. I have always believed that these experiences are must haves and they teach a person a lot. If you have been reading this space for long, you’ll remember me crying for the post I had earlier but I have always maintained that it is merely a learning experience and no kind of politics shall involve in it.

But apparently everybody doesn’t think the same way. So much have I learnt about human behavior and their manipulative skills. For me, my work and my studies are my purest commitments towards life and I have been trying my best to be able to perform at them. At the same time, being a leader is kinda scary as you are being looked upto by a number of people. You don’t really realise the pressure of being out in the front until you are thrown at that place.

I am approaching the last year of my school life and I am so nervous.

I an terrified.

I have no idea what I will be doing in that open world plus the 15 years of me in my school are not easy to leave behind.

This is mostly a note to self that Upasna the coming year is going to be harder, you’ll face bigger challenges and problems but you need to be strong, devoted and careful. You have come a long way and it is quite evident that the ride has not been smooth but this last lap will decide whether you will drive the rest of your life with ease or will continue to struggle.

Word.

Scaring my fears off

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Anxiety is what you feel before a big game or an important test. It’s the source of excitement before you go on a ski trip at your favorite resort. It’s the butterflies in your stomach on a first date. It’s what can prepare you for a big event; it’s the rush you feel. Depending on how you interpret this feeling, however, it can be your best friend or worst enemy.

Anxiety is all that I am left with for more than a month till my result comes out. Sometimes, it does not let me sleep at nights and sometimes, I just feel so depressed about it.The biggest irony about this whole situation is that none of my actions can actually change what is going to happen. I start doubting my potentials and think that what I had assumed to come easy to me might not happen. During the initial phase of my tenth class, I had thought it is very easy to get a perfect 10 CGPA score. But now, everything seems so far off. All I keep saying to myself is that you did your best and the best will come to you.

This situation is not a very big issue and I still feel anxious about it which makes me think that what I will do when I face bigger difficulties in my future and this thought makes me even more anxious. This can only stop when we stop over thinking. Both the past and future are a fib and only the present is the truth. This simple fact is known to all of us but we fail to imbibe it within us. Regretting about the past and worrying about the future are both wasteful thought-processes.

For me, writing this blog is the way I accept this fact and feel happy about my present. Writing about my fears helps me fade them out. You have to find your own way to accept it and live the present moment out loud. We spend hours and hours dwelling and ruminating on the negative and fearful things in our lives. We worry about what could go wrong, instead of focusing and paying attention to the rational, the positive and the good.

If your thoughts begin to change, you will feel better.
If you act rationally, despite how you are feeling, your beliefs and emotions will follow behind.
So, scare your fears off before they scare you!!

Happy Birthday ‘Live Out Loud’!

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So,firstly I want my readers to catch up with all the time I could not write. I know that it has been a long time since I have written anything but as the new session started, there were multiple things that I had to tackle and they kept me constantly busy. I accept that I had sidetracked my blog for all these months and I am really sorry about it. My time management tactics seemed to have failed this year. A lot of things have happened with me all this time of which I  will write separately. But I promise to my lovely readers that you are going to get more of me in this upcoming month.

After a long time I opened my WordPress account and I got the news that my blog has turned a year old. It was so pleasing to have this news because this blog is completely my brainchild and it is something which makes me happy!

So, I wish a very very Happy Birthday to ‘Live Out Loud’! and here I go discussing with you my journey.

The Evolution

My first blog post was a quote and it was in an urge to just write something. Then I posted my friendship story and seeing the amount of love I had received by that time, I felt under constant pressure to keep up my standards but I wanted to keep it real. My next post was – Tough Times Never Last, Tough People do and it was about how I had panicked in my Mathematics exam and what learning outcome did I derive from it. However, when I look back, I have now improved a lot in Maths since that day.

My blog post are nothing but an elaborate explanation of the learning outcomes I derive from daily happenings. The insight of each incident and the philosophical side of every occurrence is reflected in my posts.

Since then my graph has an increasing trend which always makes me very happy.

The Things This Blog Has Changed In Me

I started this blog to improve my expression and moreover, I wanted to share my internal processes with someone. In this journey, 41 wonderful people joined me which I never expected. I never expected that my super boring rants would catch someone’s interest but they did. With the evolution of my blog, I have actually become quite expressive and now, I feel confident to share my thoughts. It is all because of you, my wonderful and supportive audience! Thank you guys!

I owe a lot to this blog. It has made me rediscover myself and self introspect. It has made me realize that when you are in your own skin, people love you the most. The amount of encouragement and appreciation I have got has made me quite confident.

But we have a long way to go ahead. So I need best wishes from all of you.